


the small, weird loves

by DRSCMDZ



Category: Riverdale (TV 2017)
Genre: A whole lot of angst, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/F, F/M, but they can't commit to it, cheyl and toni are eternally doomed, everything is sad and then it isn't, i love my sad wives, it's probably because they're in love or whatever
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-25
Updated: 2018-05-12
Packaged: 2019-04-27 20:41:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 18,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14433666
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DRSCMDZ/pseuds/DRSCMDZ
Summary: love is a cruel amount of power to give someone.orcheryl and toni are tragic.





	1. cheryl

**Author's Note:**

> kind of based on richard siken's 'a primer for the small, weird loves'  
> it got away from me in the end.

cheryl and jason are best friends.

they do everything together and that’s fine, that’s great. until one day in kindergarten when their teacher decides that maybe it’s for the best to put jason forward a year. after all he’s jason _blossom_ and blossoms are known for turning everything they touch to gold. but after he was gone cheryl suddenly had a much more difficult time with, well, with everything really. she’d been held back a year because teachers were concerned with her ‘social development’ of all things.

(she doesn’t blame them, she was never good at making friends.)

being related to jason was a blessing and a curse. on the one hand, he was the best brother she could have ever hoped for and one decent brother was almost enough to make up for her two terrible parents. almost. but every silver lining does have a cloud and in this situation, it’s the fact that jason’s life seems to be blessed. no one even wants to get to know cheryl because why would they when her brother is who he is.

it barely mattered to her though because every night when she got home, jason was there to sit with her and talk about her day and it made everything feel just that little bit better. he’d tell her how much he hated high school and she’d tell him how much she hated junior high. maybe the other kids did all have their groups and their cliques but cheryl had a best friend of her very own and nobody was ever going to take that away from her.

until polly cooper comes along and takes that away from her and ruins everything. cheryl doesn’t want to be bitter, not for her brother’s sake, or at least she tries to act like she’s not bitter. it means a lot of watching what she says and biting her tongue but she doesn’t want to upset jason.

so instead she backs off, she keeps to herself a little more because that’s what the best thing to do is. it’s what’s best for everyone. well, maybe not for _everyone_. maybe just for jason but she’d never tell him that. in fact, she doesn’t tell him anything anymore. she doesn’t even take it out on betty cooper like she is so desperate to do.

at riverdale junior high there were the kids that kept to themselves, just like in any other school in any other part of the country. these were the kids who didn’t fit in or the kids who had been exiled for being too weird or cheryl blossom.

she tries to make new friends, really she does, because without her brother she has no one to talk to. but as long as she’s trying it’s like everyone can sense it, they can smell her desperation. so she gives up and keeps to herself because maybe that’s what cheryl is supposed to do. jason is the blossom that matters, cheryl just happens to share the same name.

but things actually start to work out for her when she gives up. this girl who she swears she’s never seen before comes over and says hello and for a split second cheryl can’t breathe because she can’t remember the last time someone who wasn’t related to her wanted to spend time with her. this girl just sits down next to her and launches into a full conversation and it doesn’t seem to matter to her that cheryl isn’t even attempting to say anything back.

it goes on for a while, over a few days, a week, a month. at first cheryl barely said more than two words the entire time. well, she did ask to be left alone back when all of this first started but she quickly gave that up when she realised that it wasn’t going to happen.

this girl, heather (cheryl had to ask her name, she couldn’t keep calling her 'annoying'), didn't care that cheryl was a blossom. in fact, she said it outright multiple times. one of their more recent conversations ended with "cheryl, i don't care that you're a blossom." heather had said that she didn't even know that cheryl had a brother, after that she had to accept it.

they spend a lot of time together and for the first time since jason started dating polly, things feel normal. or at least they feel like the normal that cheryl used to know and that’s just as good. jason talks a lot about falling in love and what that feels like and cheryl is starting to wonder if maybe you can fall in love with your best friend. she wants to ask him but he’d probably make fun of her.

but cheryl really is curious because whenever her and heather hang out it’s the only question on her mind. they’ll watch a movie together and cheryl will get closer without even realising what she’s doing. sometimes if heather wants to go somewhere she’ll grab cheryl’s hand while they walk.

and it’s strange and new and maybe even a little bit exciting because cheryl has never felt anything quite like this before. this feeling of wanting to spend all of her time with someone else and do stupid stuff like homework with them.

heather is spending the night at thornhill because she has something really important to say and cheryl does too. they stay awake until the sun goes down, until cheryl is sure that her parents have gone to bed. heather seems nervous and cheryl is definitely nervous and she has a sneaking suspicion that they might be about to say the same thing.

"my family's leaving riverdale--"

"i think i love you--"

"what?"

and suddenly cheryl is measuring her distance from the door and the window because she's about to run for whichever is closer. in fact, she's considering using her families millions to pay the ground to swallow her up on the spot because there is no way that this just happened, there is no way that she just said that.

she tries to play it off as a joke but cheryl has never really had a sense of humour. all her best attempts at damage control just seem pathetic. anyway, heather only came to riverdale because her dad had found a job, a very temporary job, and as soon as he'd found somewhere better he'd decided to leave.

cheryl’s heart simultaneously sinks in her chest and rises to her throat because not only has she just massively embarrassed herself but she’s done it in front of her best friend who she just found out she’d probably never going to see again. although after this conversation she thinks that might just be a relief.

heather sighs and the look on her face is probably something like disappointment but cheryl doesn’t want to check because a loose thread on her nightgown is suddenly a lot more interesting to her. or at least, she doesn’t want to until she feels one hand under her chin bringing her gaze up to heather who is biting her lip slightly and the other fall to rest on her leg. she has this look in her eye that cheryl can’t quite place.

it’s like confusion and pity mixed with a little bit of humour and if cheryl isn’t mistaken, a hint of desire. just as she’s about to ask what’s going on, heather shakes her head and runs her hand up to cup cheryl’s cheek and brings their faces ever close together.

cheryl’s kissed people before. she had her first kiss when jason threw a party before he went to high school. cheryl has kissed one of his friends younger brothers at the end of the night and from then on she decided kissing was gross and she hated it. but this was different, this felt better. like she could finally understand all of the hype. although it only lasts for another second or two because a door slamming down the hallway has the two girls immediately pulling away.

it seems that awkward timing must run in the family because almost immediately penelope blossom bursts into the room demanding to know why she was woken up in the middle of the night. or at least, that's what she started to say before she notices how close the two girls were sitting to each other, notices the look in cheryl's eyes and heather's hand on cheryl's knee. heather says that it doesn't matter because she should probably phone her dad to come and get her.

jason's going away soon, an overnight trip with some of his friends and her dad is taking a few days to work on the business leaving only cheryl and her mother in town.

and all of the stress and anxiety and that she's been feeling can't even be put into words. the usual sense of dread that hangs around thornhill feels so much worse, so much darker. penelope is waiting and cheryl can only barely hear the sound of running water over the sound of her own beating heart.

so she vomits in her mouth a little, fixes her already perfect hair and with a deep breath, makes her way into the bathroom. she's simply going to explain to her mother that they were that close because her friend was leaving and that she had most definitely just gotten confused and then they would laugh at this misunderstanding.

except penelope blossom didn't make mistakes, that was a job she left to her daughter. there was nothing cheryl could say to make this better. no matter how hard she tries, no matter how hard she cries.

"on your knees." cheryl does what she is told because she might not be a good daughter but at the very least she is an obedient daughter.

her mother launches into some monologue about how her thoughts and intentions were unnatural, deviant. she only tries to interrupt once, she tries to explain exactly what happened (obviously skipping over her own confession) but her mother doesn't want to hear it. instead of listening she takes hold of the back of cheryl's neck and her hands and are cold and her nails are sharp and cheryl can feel her heartbeat in her head.

her head that is quickly drawn closer to the edge of the bath as her mother carries on talking about 'proper behaviour'. she knows exactly what is going to happen so she puts on a brave face because she will not let her mother see her crack.

the water is freezing and cheryl doesn't know how long she can stand it but that doesn't even matter because the decision isn't up to her anyway. she just closes her eyes and clenches her jaw until she stops feeling pressure on the back of her head, that's when she comes up, gasping for air.

the whole time her mother is still talking. they repeat this process until cheryl starts to go dizzy and her body slumps forward against the bathtub. she's having a hard time holding her own weight anymore but she can see stars when she closes her eyes and they look oh so pretty, so that's exciting at least.

it's at this point that her mother grabs her arms, pulls her to her feet and looks her dead in the eye to tell her, "a girl who likes girls is a dead girl."

maybe cheryl tries to speak, to say anything at all but at best she manages some kind of raspy apology.

although, this is probably all for the best because she is fourteen and whatever she thinks she knows about love, she doesn't. she knows nothing about love. she's a stupid schoolgirl with a stupid schoolgirl crush and that's all this is. something to forget about so that she can move on with her life. her mother is right.

"you, cheryl blossom, are weak and hollow and you will not bring your perversions into this house." penelope leaves and cheryl stands there, freezing, letting it sink in.

she is weak and hollow.

weak

and

hollow.


	2. toni

toni doesn't like to think of herself as a stereotype. in fact, she does her damned best to avoid it, but there are some coincidences that she can't avoid.

she's in junior high and her boyfriend is in high school and they've barely been together two weeks but she's heading over to his trailer after school because she needs him to take her mind off things for a while. she can't wait until she leaves this goddamn place.

there is only one middle school in riverdale but fortunately for her - and all the other southsiders, of course - there are two high schools. it's obvious to her and all of her friends that none of the northside kids particularly want them there and they've done a good job adapting around that.

they keep quiet in class, keep their heads down in the hallway and avoid the cafeteria at lunch. it works nine times out of ten, although that one other time is no more than a dirty look or a false accusation, they still want to avoid it. toni doubts that half the kids there even pay them any attention at all when they're not provoking them.

but today, today was particularly awful. sweet pea decided to take a day off and not tell her but she knew he got beat up pretty badly the night before so she doesn't particularly blame him for it. then again, it's his own fault for acting like a serpent before he even has a goddamn jacket.

without him there things seem to drag just that little longer and all the scathing looks and comments sting just a little bit deeper. so here she is, waiting out last period in the bathroom with her feet pushed against the stall door so no one can come in and bother her.

she doesn't like to think of herself as a stereotype but she has all the traits of a teenage rebel so why should she not embrace them every once in a while by skipping class? older boyfriend? check. coloured hair? well, partial check. unofficial gang member? check. scary friends who carry switchblades? not quite, but they're still working on it.

he lives on his own in a trailer on the edge of the southside and toni thinks it's amazing. she wants something like that someday, maybe not with him but with someone. in fact she thinks just about every damn thing about him is amazing.

he doesn't have a phone because he told her doesn't like technology and he might not have a lot of money but that's because he doesn't believe in the concept. (one time she asked him why he has a job if he says he doesn't need money to be happy but he didn't ever answer her). he's a serpent which obviously means they're already a perfect match. when they're together they drink beer and listen to loud rock music and toni thinks that's pretty good, or at least a better date than a milkshake at pops.

so when the bell rings she's quick to leave, running down the hall before the classrooms start to let out. it's probably better this way. kids like archie andrews and reggie mantle always like to hang around and wait for their friends and when there's a group of them and only one of her, that's when there's trouble.

she gets to the trailer park in one of her fastest times yet. (she doesn't officially time herself but sometimes she's curious, and it's in her best interest to run fast). it takes three knocks for him to answer the door and toni grins when he does. he leans out of the door frame, in just his boxers, serpent tattoo across his chest and looks left and right before nodding for her to come in.

he takes her coat and her bag and throws them to the side. they were probably meant to land somewhere near the coat rack but he misses completely and they fall in a heap in the corner.

"how was school?" he asks.

and toni shrugs. "great."

"sarcasm?"

"you think?"

he exhales through his nose and toni has come to learn that's what he does when he thinks something's funny. she thinks that maybe something really bad must have happened to him in the past because he never seems to smile around her and he definitely doesn't laugh. although sometimes the corners of his mouth do twitch a little bit and he tries to hide it but she catches it every time.

"how was school?" she asks him this time.

and he shrugs. "great."

then they talk a little bit more about school and about life and toni tells him all about how sweet pea is an idiot and how fake mad at him she is for abandoning her today. he doesn't really say much more and toni knows that's because he can't tell her a lot or she'll worry. she knows that some of the things that he does are morally and maybe even legally questionable.

but they don't talk for long because just as with every other visit he pulls her into his lap and starts to kiss her neck. although it's only been two weeks they've moved pretty quickly but toni doesn't mind. if anything it's exciting to her and she knows that it's something she has over all those uptight girls from school.

it doesn't matter because she's almost fifteen and she knows what she's doing. she knows love and she thinks that she might understand it. she isn't in love with this guy because that would be crazy after two weeks, right? it's a schoolgirl crush, it's just a schoolgirl crush. but that doesn't mean she doesn't still like him.

he carries her through to his bedroom and she traces her finger lightly over the snake on his chest. he shivers a little and she adds 'ticklish' to the list of things that she knows about him.

an hour later and they're lying in his bed. he's got a cigarette hanging out of the corner of his mouth and toni is laying on her side to try and avoid the smoke that stings her eyes if she lies next to him. he's holding on to one of her hands and running his thumb gently across the back of it.

everything feels a just a little bit nice. if she was asked to describe it, she'd say it was orange. from the mid-afternoon light streaming in through his curtains to the glowing end of his cigarette to the travel bottle of whiskey he keeps on his nightstand.

when he finishes smoking he tells her he's going to take a nap because he was up late last night and he wants to get some rest before he goes to work in a few hours. toni doesn't have to be home for a while yet and she knows that he doesn't mind if she sticks around because she's done it before, as long as she keeps quiet.

so she sits on his couch in the living room in her underwear with the walls that he'd painted yellow when he'd moved in. yellow used to be his favourite colour (she'd added that to the list ten days ago) but over time the paint had darkened to a mustard colour that he hadn't liked as much. toni liked it, though. maybe she just did because she knew that he used to.

while she waits for the hours to pass she reads a little bit. she started reading some of the classics a while ago. she'd tried reading 'the catcher in the rye' but she hadn't managed to get too far into because the main character reminded her far too much of jughead jones. she'd never actually met him but from what his dad said about him they seemed pretty similar. they both had stupid names, for one thing.

she found it's actually quite hard to pass the time when there's no tv or internet or whatever. if he was awake they'd probably sit on his couch and drink beer so she heads to the fridge. she's not exactly an expert or anything but she thinks that the stuff at the back that he hasn't opened is probably at the back for a reason. but it's dutch and she's thirsty so why not.

it's pretty disgusting, actually, really disgusting. so she grimaces and takes another mouthful and sits back on the couch. reads a bit more of her book, looks out of the window for a while, opens another bottle of beer. it gets boring pretty quickly.

he's left a packet of cigarettes on his coffee table so toni takes one and after a few (seven) failed attempts she manages to get it lit. no one had ever really explained smoking to her so she sucked on the end for a while but to no avail. eventually, she manages to inhale, completely by accident and any thoughts she had of becoming a smoker are pushed aside because it is awful.

the smoke burns her throat and tastes terrible. it even makes her head spin and she's more confused about that than anything else. she vomits in the sink and lays down on the sofa and closes her eyes until she feels less light headed.

she must have fallen asleep or something because next thing she knows the sun is almost completely set and her boyfriend's stood in the kitchen. judging by the way his eyes are slanted and his hair is a mess he must have just woken up. he's holding her clothes under one arm and suddenly she's aware of how exposed she is. it feels ten degrees colder.

he throws them over to her and while she's trying to pull her jeans on he's pacing around the room tossing an apple between his hands. as she's picking up her bag she asks him for a ride home because they're going in the same direction but he shakes his head. he disappears into his bedroom for a second and comes back with a fistful of dollar bills that he dumps into her hand.

cab fare home.

she leaves first and spends the entire ride biting her knuckle and trying not to make any eye contact with the driver. he keeps looking at her though the rear-view mirror as if he expects her to burst into tears any second. she doesn't know why she feels like she might.

the next morning she gets a feeling in the pit of her stomach, this sick, twisting feeling. it's definitely not a good omen, she knows that much. she phones sweet pea while she's getting dressed in the hopes that maybe he's feeling a little better but his eye's still swollen shut so he's definitely not going to be seeing her today.

on her lunch break she sits around the back of the building. it's out of the way and it's in the shade. she doesn't really feel like talking to anyone today, never mind actually seeing them. in fact, she thinks that the wrong look could set her over the edge and she just wishes that she knew why.

of all the people she thought she'd see gracing riverdale junior high, her boyfriend absolutely was not on the list. he's stood by the fence and waves her over. he's holding the jacket that she didn't even realise that she'd forgotten.

when he gives it back to her they have a conversation that she didn't particularly want to have about how he thinks that maybe things aren't going so well. maybe it's because he's almost two years older than her or maybe it's because he never wanted her to stick around in the first place or maybe it's because he's just like all the stupid other boys she'd ever dated who never really treated her right either.

and she doesn't want to think of herself of a stereotype, not at all. toni hates to think that she's going to try dating girls because all the guys she's dated have done her wrong but it's worth a damn try.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> all lower case makes things feel real calm, y'know?  
> real soft.


	3. toni

toni had been right about going to southside high. it was an instant relief to be in a place where it didn't feel like everyone thought that they were better than you. there were still the ghoulies but they weren't  _that_ bad; definitely not as bad as the stuck up kids from the northside.

she'd managed to stick to the promise that she'd made herself last year. there had been plenty of guys that had come around and while they might have been totally interested, she had not. thankfully, the larger student body had provided her with plenty of new options.

she'd been seeing this girl for a while now (longer than two weeks, anyway). all of her subtle flirting had paid off. no thanks to her friends, though, they couldn't help themselves at first. they were like children.

every time she'd walk by or give toni a passing "hello" they'd elbow each other and snicker to themselves. and yeah, she might have rolled her eyes but she appreciated that they didn't think she was a freak or anything. that went for her surprisingly cool uncle too.

at first she hadn't known if this girl was into her too or if she was just being friendly because they were both completely viable options and for a second she hated how difficult things had suddenly become, but sweet pea and fangs had drawn up a list of pros and cons. (the pros side was almost exclusively the words 'she's hot'.) toni thought that they were more excited than she was about the whole thing.

they shared an english class, just the two of them, and that's when toni decided to make her move. their teacher sent them down to the library to do some research for an upcoming essay about some eighteenth century poet. so really, the timing was perfect. a library full of unsupervised, bored students who would rather talk about anything other than eighteenth century poetry.

she'd tried to play it cool, she definitely didn't want to seem desperate or anything. in the end she’d had a distinct problem with keeping it cool. the plan had been to flick through a couple of books, then she'd go over and say hello and ask some pointless question about the assignment that she'd turn into some kind of joke. yeah, that was a good first impression to make.

the actual first impression that she'd made was far more awkward and uncomfortable and she doesn't really like to think about it. the joke went well though so at least she had that to fall back on.

but somehow it had worked out in her favour. maybe this girl just felt sorry for her or thought she was intentionally trying to be a disaster. maybe she'd never spoken to another human being before so by comparison toni was naturally awesome. either way, they spent the rest of the hour sat on the floor surrounded by poetry books with the librarian giving them dirty looks. they were probably turning the pages too loud or something.

things had only gone up from there because realistically they couldn't get any worse. they don't drink foreign beer and dance in the underwear and toni thinks that maybe that's for the best because they have actual conversations instead, about stuff that matters. and maybe not having a huge age difference works in their favour too.

toni thinks she's made a good decision, maybe if she was a little more curious earlier then she could have saved herself a lot of heartache. it's not like anything terrible ever happened. nothing life-ruining-ly awful. just silly boys wasting her time.

this is something else. it's different.

but still, some days are better than others.

some days they hang around at the drive-in and watch movies for hours and take stupid pictures of each other with toni's polaroid camera. then others, toni's sneaking around and climbing out of back windows when she came in through the front door.

and it's all confusing and it sort of hurts her head because she keeps second guessing everything. she can't decide if something horrible is happening and she just can't see it yet. sweet pea keeps telling her that she should just straight up ask what's going on but she doesn't want to cause problems where they're not necessary. fangs says that she should end it because she didn't exactly ask for any of this drama but why would she give up on one of the best things she's had in a while over a few questions.

everyone has secrets, right?

so things carry on for another few months. and for a while they sort of seem like they're looking up. as short lived as it is. it's nice for like, a week and a half, it's good. then it completely and absolutely isn't at all because toni should have listened and she should have done what she was told and she should have just stayed at home.

because maybe then she wouldn't be laid out on her bedroom floor with a black eye and a busted lip and a severe sense of dread. it doesn't even end here, as much as she wishes that it would because she wants answers and if she keeps feeling sorry for herself then she'll never get them.

they'd had an argument and it had been stupid and about nothing but toni felt bad so like the excellent girlfriend she was, she'd decided to come over and she wasn’t going to leave until they’d worked things out. only when she knocked on the door some guy that she didn't recognise was stood on the other side and he just _looked_ mean.

he started yelling, asking her what she was doing here and who she was while the entire time she just stood there like a deer in headlights. then she sees her girlfriend running downstairs wearing nothing but a man's shirt that looks like it would fit a guy around the same size as the one in her doorway.

there are a lot of responses to this situation. a lot of ways to get out of this uncomfortable predicament. if toni wasn't so furious then maybe she'd come up with a clever lie because she was very good with clever lies. but it doesn't take a genius to work out what's been going on and now all of the sneaking around and keepings things quiet makes sense.

her adrenaline is pumping and her fight or flight reflex is fully engaged because if there is one thing that she cannot stand it's being embarrassed. she's felt bad things and sad things but nothing can measure up to the feeling of being made to look like an idiot.

so she brings her fist all the way back and then sends it all the way forward, straight into this guy's stomach.

"toni!"

and for a second she thinks that this guy might actually be made of steel because he doesn't even flinch. he just looks at her with some kind of sympathetic smile and slams the door in her face. she stands there for a second. in shock, maybe. processing, definitely.

just as she's about to leave the door opens again and this time it's her girlfriend (actually, she should really, probably break up with her sometime soon) stood there. before toni can even open her mouth, she’s being yelled at. _again_. it sort of feels like an out of body experience.

then she's slapping toni in the face and it doesn't really feel like she always imagined that it would feel. up until this point, she'd managed to avoid being slapped in the face. it's not a perfect match of hand to cheek, it's more like this girl just launched her entire arm at the side of toni's head and she can already feel her lip starting to bleed from where she’d bit into it.

she walks home, sad and defeated. their breakup was mutual and unspoken, or so she’s guessing because she really doesn’t want to have to go back there again to check. she actually doesn’t really want to do much of anything for a while.

when she gets back, she spends an hour holding a bag of frozen peas to one side of her face and her phone to the other. sweet pea is there to listen to her mix of angry ranting and crying for as long as she needs him to. he actually offers to go and beat the guy up himself.

“he’s like ten feet tall and made of metal.”

“so?”

“so you’d get your ass kicked.” sweet pea is good at fighting but he’s even better at not knowing when to stop and that’s part of the reason why he’s always so bruised up.

“so?”

“so it’s not worth it.” 

anyway, toni barely remembers what the guy even looked like through her fit of rage so even if she wanted to sell him out she couldn’t. she probably should want to, right? he hurt her so she want to get her own back, right? except that she doesn’t because that’d probably upset her stupid ex-girlfriend and she doesn’t want that.

but if he taught her anything then it’s hate. she doesn’t like not liking people, she doesn’t have the energy to waste on stupid vendettas but this feels like a little bit more than a stupid vendetta so maybe she can make an exception. maybe she can learn how to hate.

it’d been seven months ago that they’d first had that conversation about poetry in the library. if she works backwards, toni can probably work out when this whole thing started. she really shouldn’t. she shouldn’t give herself anymore reason to be upset but she was curious.

roughly four and a half months ago.

only a year ago she was so sure that she understood love and that she knew what she was doing and now, on her bedroom floor with a mouthful of her own blood she realises that she has no clue. she didn’t then and she especially doesn’t now because love means caring about someone with your whole heart and she could really do with someone caring about her sometime soon.

right before the end of the year there’s a big party and everyone is invited. everyone includes toni and she _really_ doesn’t want to go. she wants to stay in with her books and her music because she’s finally starting to stop feeling sorry for herself but fangs wants to go and she won’t let him go with just sweet pea because she doesn’t want to have to deal with another disaster.

so she stands in the kitchen and sways mindlessly along with whatever is coming through the speakers. there’s a beer in her hand but she’s been nursing it for the past forty minutes. she hopes that they can leave soon because this is awful.

the next few hours are a blur. she went to go and look for her friends but she never actually found them, instead she found her ex-girlfriend making out with some guy in the bathroom. (not abs of steel guy, a different guy.). her natural response is that of any other rational person, she heads back to the kitchen and finishes off every drink on the counter then stumbles upstairs to tell her ex off.

okay, so maybe not _every_ rational person would do that.

‘telling her ex off’ quickly degenerates into backing her up against a wall and getting her shirt torn open. they’re both surprised. (and toni's a little mad because that was one of her favourite shirts). what started out as kissing turns into biting and it’s angry and it’s mean and afterwards toni doesn’t feel any better but she doesn’t feel any worse either.

she finds her friends and they leave and while they’re walking home her mind is running a thousand times faster than it ever has before. maybe now it’s time to take a break. maybe dating just isn’t her forte regardless of gender. so toni makes herself another promise, she’s done, completely done looking for anything because everything she’s seen so far has let her down and she is tired of it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whenever i read nice comments about this, my heart does a little dance.  
> it's actually really embarrassing.  
> let's just keep that between us, okay?


	4. cheryl

shortly after the junior high fiasco, cheryl decides that she needs to take drastic measures to ensure that something like that _never_ happens again. her and her mother don't speak of the 'incident'. they don't even acknowledge it. in fact, later that night they sat at the dinner table and made the perfect amount of polite eye contact and light conversation.

as soon as jason came back home cheryl was quick to run up to him, tears in her eyes apologising over and over for shutting him out. he doesn't mind. he keeps telling her that he gets it and if she wants her space then he'll respect that without question.

she's learnt that distance is a good thing, though, at least in public because she can't take one more comment about how she’s 'too close' to her brother. whenever she hears those words she wants to explain to whoever said it how horrible everything is. explain how he is the only person in her damn life who seems to care how she's doing and if she doesn't have him then she doesn't have anyone. but she doesn't do that, instead she takes a deep breath and walks away with her head high.

cheryl is in high school now, she has jason to look out for her again, she definitely can't just disappear into the woodwork like she'd gotten so used to doing. thankfully, she's got a lifetime of pent up resentment to unleash and if she has to do so on the population of riverdale high then may god have mercy on anyone who gets in her way.

but being in high school means another thing. everyone knowing everyone’s business and cheryl still can't shake what her mother said to her last year. "a girl who likes girls is a dead girl." not a day goes by that cheryl doesn't think of those words. if anything, it's become her mantra, stuck on a loop in her head. high school students could be so much harsher than her mother.

so what she needs to do is find herself a nice boyfriend. if she's lucky she can kill two birds with one stone. get her mother off her back and help herself to set her own mind right.

maybe she wasn't ready for the blossom name in junior high but since then she's had a lot of time to think. people are going to know who cheryl blossom is no matter what it takes.

'what it takes' is a whole new wardrobe; a spot on the river vixens; a year's worth of scathing comments and a member of the football team on her arm.

being on top is amazing, honestly, cheryl doesn't know why she didn't try it sooner. well, aside from the crippling fear of not being good enough which she assumed she'd picked up from her mother over the years. so yeah, apart from that small hurdle, it would've been easy.

although all of this didn't come without a price and if a few little people had a problem with her then they didn't matter. when she was younger, she went out of her own way to make sure people didn't have anything against her because she couldn't handle anymore drama. but now? now she's living for it. then again, when she was younger she'd also needed someone to be there for her and that had changed too because cheryl is going to be there for herself from now on.

she's been called a lot of things. by her mother and by her father and by her peers but she never really expected to be called 'no good'. that was a title for kids like jughead jones or the gang of southside miscreants. cheryl is a perfect student with an excellent dress sense and she's trying her best to be a good daughter but when she walks down the hall on the first day back after christmas break she very clearly hears one of her boyfriend's friends call her 'no good'.

it shakes her for a second and she almost loses her cool but then she stops and reminds herself that the new cheryl would stay calm. the new cheryl wouldn't let anything get under her skin, intentionally or otherwise. she carries on walking and tries to regain her sense of control before making a point to talk to her boyfriend about it later.

she doesn't see him until lunch. he's sat with his friends and they're all laughing and joking about something and if cheryl wasn't so frustrated about earlier then she might ask what the punchline was. although she's probably above whatever chilidsh thing it is that's amusing them so maybe she won't bother.

he says that he has no idea what she's talking about and that his friends are all dicks anyway. he calls her 'babe' a lot too and something about the way he says it makes her skin crawl. she has to have the upper hand, though, so she makes sure to lock eyes with the same guy who called her 'no good' while she kisses her boyfriend goodbye.

something about kissing him makes her skin crawl too.

she'll prove herself. she has to. she'll do whatever it takes to make that name go away because if it catches on then she's right back where she started. then she really would be 'no good' and she can't have that.

she does some things that she’s not proud of and she does some things that she knows her family definitely wouldn’t be proud of. they’d raised her to be above all the petty drama that usually follows people of her age around and yet there she is, starting it, revelling in it.

first, she called her boyfriend out in the middle of the damn hallway. it wasn’t very ‘her style’ or at least she didn’t think it was until she realised how much she liked the attention. and it made it much harder for someone to lie to her with such an audience. she asks him again, ‘no good’ what does it mean? and he’s got his hands on her shoulders and he’s trying to lead her away but the crowd that’s formed around them isn’t moving.

he tells her that sometimes it kind of feels like she doesn’t care about what’s going on in his life. like she’s just someone who follows him around and makes out with him every so often, certainly not a proper girlfriend. cheryl rolls her eyes because of course she started dating the one teenage boy in the country who wanted an actual emotional connection. she’s temped to break up with him on the spot but of course she can’t.

a girl who likes girls is a dead girl.

and that’s how she finds herself sat across from him at pop’s. she’s been trying to subtly hint that she needs to leave since about ten minutes after they arrived. if she didn’t think better of him then she’d be tempted to say that he’s purposely made his cheese fries last for almost forty minutes because no one eats _that_ slowly.

it doesn’t seem to matter how many times she tries to say goodbye or how often she pulls out her phone to very obviously check the time or, in fact, that she outright tells him that her mother is expecting her to come home soon. he just keeps on talking. the most annoying part of it all is that he isn’t just talking about football and his friends, he’s asking her questions and trying to get to know her and she wants to hate it but she kind of doesn’t.

cheryl knows that it’s dangerous territory but heather was the only other person who seemed to care about her past the fact that she was a blossom and it seems like the same thing is happening all over again.

he insists that they go out at least once more over the next few weeks and just talk which is nice. cheryl really doesn’t expect to end up enjoying his company but a few dates later she’s the one asking him out. she should be excited that all of his friends have stopped thinking of her as being ‘no good’, it should be the ‘two birds’ kind of moment she’d originally wanted but it isn’t. it’s a ‘she feels like she’s been hit with one stone’ moment instead.

because not so long ago cheryl was a stupid schoolgirl who was confused. she thought that she understood love and what it meant but she didn’t. not until right now. because love is about caring about someone completely and she can tell that this boy in front of her cares about her. maybe almost as much as jason cares about her and that is scary, that is properly _terrifying_ because she just doesn’t love him back. at least, not like he loves her.

a girl who likes girls is a dead girl.

second, he invites her over to his house one night after school and she has to find a way to love him back so she waits around for him to give her a ride. when they get back both of his parents still aren’t home and for a while he makes small talk and tells her about his sports trophies and family photos and cheryl pretends to be excited about it all. because she has to.

they don’t really do much of anything. they make out for a few hours and cheryl is kind of bored by it the entire time. she starts trying to see how long she can hold her breath for and even turns it into a game, after all, she’s good at holding her breath. it just makes her go lightheaded and kissing is a whole lot better when she feels as dizzy as she does.

but when she gets home she can’t hide the mark on her neck from her mother. she doesn’t even remember how it happened but that’s not an excuse that’ll fly. to say that she was in trouble would be an understatement.

third, a week later cheryl sneaks him into her bedroom after it gets dark. it’s not a smart plan and it’s not a well thought out plan and she’d very hastily put it together at the last minute. but she was angry and upset with her mother and that was a dangerous combination for her.

nothing actually happens. it almost does, twice, but cheryl can’t get over something. and it’s not some big trauma or unresolved issue but there’s something there that’s stopping her from going through with things. she tells him this. she says that she can’t do it and since she doesn’t know why herself she just tells him that she feels gross.

he says that she could never be ugly, not to him. and she wants to cry because he’s looking at her in this way that makes her want to give him everything but she can’t. she can’t because she wants to be in love but she isn’t.

a girl who loves a girl is a dead girl.

maybe it doesn’t matter that she doesn’t love him because she’s trying to.

it was easier to sneak him in than it was to sneak him out. she gets caught and she _knows_ that she’s going to pay for it later. and she does and it is just terrible and if she wasn’t so used to this tough love maybe things would be different. but she is and things aren’t.

finally, she cuts him off; she never sees him again. she doesn’t actually give him a reason, they just very publically break up at school the next day. the worst part of it all is that she wanted to be in love with him, she really did and she really tried. it was probably her mother’s fault, most things in her life are.

maybe as long as she’s around, cheryl can’t be happy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote this about a boy i know and he'll probably never read this.  
> but if he does, i'm sorry.


	5. toni

it doesn't take long for toni to learn everything she needs to know about cheryl blossom. actually, she learns the three most important things about her in less than a minute.

one, cheryl blossom is stunning. which isn't really a huge revelation or anything but toni hasn't ever had the chance to look at her so closely.

two, cheryl blossom is a bitch. again, it's not exactly big news. she is kind of _known_ for being a bitch, it seems like that's a trademark just as much as her red hair.

three, cheryl blossom is hurting. this hits toni like a slap in the face because never did she ever expect this girl to be anything more than a high school queen bee with a grudge against everyone and anyone who got in her way.

it's not as obvious as the first two points but it's still there. she's got this look in her eye and toni wouldn't have even noticed it if she hadn't seen that same look in the damn mirror. it's more than just the 'her dad shooting her brother in the head and then killing himself' thing which means it's got to be bad because toni can't really imagine anything worse than that.

and it's only there for a second. when she's sat alone, not talking to anyone and not listening to the conversation that’s going on around her, just before she decides to take over the drag race. really, toni is happy to let her because she could just watch this girl move.

it's nothing other than attraction. it's skin deep, shallow attraction and toni wants it to stay like that but it can't, not now that she knows something is wrong. it's not like she has a compulsion to fix people or anything because that's an urge that she's always thought was suicidal. she just can't stand to see people cry.

and cheryl isn't crying. she's not making a scene and sobbing her eyes out in the middle of the road but she wants to and that's the problem.

maybe later she'll go over and start a conversation, ask her if she's okay or something. not that it'll go anywhere, in fact, it'll probably do her more harm than good but it's worth a try.

because toni can see her sat on that car roof with betty cooper and veronica lodge and she might as well not be there at all. toni can see two best friends having a conversation about their stupid boyfriends and cheryl is just _there_ and she doesn't think that anyone should ever feel like that.

although things don't go according to plan because archie andrews is an idiot who wants to be a hero. toni doesn't even know him and she doesn't know why it seems like there's so much tension between him and jughead but she has to be mad because he's put the serpents in danger. the serpents and particularly jughead.

oh yeah, jughead.

that's a whole other mess that she has to deal with. and while she did a pretty god job of making an awkward conversation a lot less awkward than it could've been, she still wants to make things right between him and betty. well, maybe just help them get back on the right track. she's not about to put a girl she hardly knows before someone who's proved to be a real friend. (and he is a serpent now so he kind of has to come before anyone else).

she actually doesn't really have any time to think about cheryl right now. not that she's going to forget or anything because toni knows that anyone who cries inside like that has a reason for it. god knows that she did.

so after that afternoon's disaster she spends the rest of her night hanging out with sweet pea and fangs. jughead decided that after the stunt archie pulled landed him in hot water with tall boy, maybe he should hang behind, even if they were technically still celebrating a victory. he was probably going to sit in his trailer all night brooding or something, he's even more angsty than usual without betty which really is saying something.

they spend the rest of the night at the whyte wyrm and while they might be underage, it's a special occasion, so maybe exceptions can be made. it's supposed to be a party or something but toni isn't really in the mood. it was actually more of a 'she has absolutely nothing better to do' type of situation which is an all too familiar feeling.

she drinks a little, dances a lot and even manages to get her hands on some jingle-jangle that sheriff keller had done a terrible job of confiscating. (she actually has way more fun that she'd ever admit to having). but no matter how good a time it is, she still ends up awake at half past three staring at her phone.

toni has spent a solid hour or so stalking through cheryl's instagram feed. she's trying her very best to psychoanalyse the girl's captions and use of filters but it doesn't go anywhere, or at least nowhere useful. she's scrolled back a few years and she hasn't found anything at all.

it's mostly selfies; some pictures of her and jason; some pictures with her friends, or at least, people who seem like they’re supposed to be her friends. toni's really quite glad that she isn't one of those girls who posts pictures of their food or inspirational quotes because she thinks that maybe she'd have to stop caring if that was the case.

okay so not really, that certainly isn't going to happen any time soon because she might've found herself in a position that she'd been doing her best to avoid. she might have a slight crush.

everything is fine, if it just stays as that small crush and nothing more.

a stupid, non-threatening interest that she has to contain. feelings make things dangerous and toni wants to keep things as safe as she can. it's just a crush on a very attractive girl.

and she sighs because cheryl is a very attractive girl. a _very_ attractive straight girl who is strictly off limits. that should make her feel better but it doesn't. it makes her feel like she shouldn't be thinking of these kinds of things this late at night. or ever.

there's too much going on anyway.

with the black hood on the loose and the sudden realisation that one of her teachers was actually the sugarman and fp being released from prison. (and betty's insane decision to dance to 'mad world' as if it was written specifically for stripteases).

and now jughead’s personal vendetta against penny peabody. she can’t really blame him. as ever, his intentions are good, it’s just the execution that he struggles with. like his insane plan to try and take her out in the interest of self-preservation.

no serpent stands alone, though, and that’s why an army of teenagers are going to take on a drug queenpin with snake masks and switchblades. that’s why she’s helping to drag penny all the way to greendale just to teach her a lesson.

that’s why she’s got penny’s arm pinned down while jughead cuts that damn tattoo straight out of her skin. it’s sick and it makes her stomach turn because this woman in front of her is screaming and bleeding with a chunk missing from her _fucking_ arm.

toni has her own life that’s full of serpent tattoos and leather jackets and biker gangs. she can’t give her time to anyone else in theory or in practice. even if she kind of wants to. even if she’s been thinking that maybe her best guy friends aren’t enough for her.

she especially can’t give her time to someone like cheryl. someone with a complicated family and a complicated life. someone who wants to cry but can’t. someone who lives in a world of drama and cheerleading because someone like that needs more than toni could ever give.

toni has her own life.

and that life goes on and she doesn't give it much more thought. of course, that only lasts until she gets to riverdale high. as if it's not bad enough being back with people that didn't like her three years ago, cheryl blossom is seemingly head of the not-so-welcoming welcoming committee.

“listen up ragamuffins.”

she makes her grand entrance and wastes no time in making all the southside students want to lynch her. 'southside scum'. that's what she'd called them. toni might have a little crush, she might be willing to overlook certain things for that reason, but she was a serpent first and she was proud of that and she would not let anyone talk down to her over it.

 “why don’t you come over here and say that to my face?”

“happily, queen of the buskers.”

but there was that look again.

like cheryl's sad about something but she can't remember what it is. like she’s just waiting for everything that’s wrong to catch up with her. that's why toni lets it go. it's not worth a fight in the hallway and also, she doesn’t have the heart.

(but also because cheryl blossom is intimidatingly beautiful and so damn cocky that toni wants to shut her up in all kind of ways.)

although cheryl seems to think so too and that's why she backs down. well, that's what toni wants to think, she wants to kid herself and pretend that maybe her blossom blood wasn't burning through her veins but in that moment it is.

only it's not adrenaline, it's fear. it's the kind of fear that comes from being intimidated, being overpowered. she never expected cheryl to have been bested by anyone but she has because she shrinks into herself like someone would who'd been on the receiving end of someone else's aggression too many times.

with no real friends, a dead father and a dead brother that only leaves one person who could make cheryl feel that way and toni doesn't want to believe it. but if she has to, if this is the truth of the matter than she wants to stop it because it just isn't fair. because mothers are supposed to tell their daughters they love them, even if they mess up.

but toni has her own life and these things that happen around her are not part of it.

so she forgets because she has to. because she can’t let someone else’s problems get in her way and cloud her judgement, not when the whole school wants her and all her friends gone. she’ll follow her gang on whatever crusade jughead is in the mood for that week and that’s it.

or at least, she’ll forget until she overhears a phone conversation on her way to class. well, she’s only so sure it’s a phone conversation because she can’t imagine cheryl talking to herself alone in the bathroom. it’s been easy to not think about her for as long as they’ve managed to avoid each other but riverdale high isn’t big enough for anyone to go completely unnoticed.

“did you just tell jughead that archie and betty kissed?” she’s curious.

“yes. so what if i did?” she could have picked any other time to apply lipstick. literally any other time because toni wants to try have an actual conversation right now, preferably one where she isn’t staring at cheryl’s lips the whole time.

“did you at least have a reason?”

“oh, that’s right. you’re new here. hi. i’m cheryl blossom, a.k.a. cheryl bombshell,  which means i need no reasons. i simply am. feel free to tremble.”

“i have a better idea.” she has a few better ideas but they’re only ideas. they'll only ever be ideas. instead she goes back to that day at the drag race and her original plan. she might never be in this situation again. now or never. “why don’t you tell me what’s bothering you because, clearly, you’re in a lot of pain.”

the second she reaches out cheryl freezes. it’s almost instantaneous. and she wonders how no one has ever noticed the shadow of dread that crosses the girl’s face when she’s touched. and she realises that it must be because no one ever cared to notice it.

or at least not until now.

“get your sapphic serpent hands off my body.” cheryl storms out and toni feels a lot like she just got rejected.

toni has her own life and cheryl blossom is not part of it.

it’s this revelation that prompts her to make plans tonight. with her own people. fangs wants to go see some gay rom-com and why not? that’s what normal teenagers do. normal teenagers eat burgers and watch movies with their friends and maybe she can try doing that tonight.

a normal night _would_ be nice but this isn’t a normal night at all.

“let me guess, some cherry cola for cheryl bombshell.” toni smirks because although her stomach has dropped to her feet, she’s not going to show it. she definitely did not expect to bump into her tonight.

cheryl rolls her eyes. “oh my god. what do you want? and why do you keep stalking me?”

and toni rolls hers. “i’m not. i came to see this movie with fangs and he bailed on me. are you okay?”

it’s worth a shot. because if she says that nothing’s wrong then she’ll make a snarky comment and go take her seat but if she does the unexpected and says anything else then toni can help. or, at least, _try_ to help.

“i’m alone at the movies. and i’m trying to stay away from my mother who has turned our house into her sexual playpen. so, no. i am really not.”

and apparently the unexpected is to be expected this evening, which is a nice change. now maybe trying to have a real conversation with cheryl won’t feel like pulling teeth. even if she is lying because that’s not the issue, not the _real_ issue anyway. because there’s still that look in her eye, that distance, that sadness.

but this is progress and slow progress is better than no progress at all so toni pushes the boat out a little further. “well, i was gonna go grab a seat alone, unless you want some company, but no pressure.”

and cheryl almost smiles.

and toni thinks that she looks beautiful.

this is not a cliché and it’s not a date and toni isn’t even going to pretend that she was doing something cheesy like watching cheryl instead of the movie. after all, she paid like, eight dollars for the ticket and she doesn’t really have eight dollars to spare.

but she can’t pretend like she doesn’t _see_ her.

the way that the light catches the tear tracks on her face when the scene changes or how her shoulders jump every so often. it’s the saddest part of the entire film.

“you may think you’ve mastered the art of silent tears, but i saw you crying during that movie.”

when it’d been time to go cheryl hadn’t seemed all to thrilled to be going back home and while toni didn’t know _exactly_ what she’d meant about her mother and her ‘sexual playpen’, as she’d put it, she had a pretty good idea. no one in their right mind would want to go back to that.

it was a little awkward because they didn’t come together, they just happened to both be there and then they just happened to watch the movie together. does she have to offer cheryl a ride home? or do they stand around staring at the floor for five minutes after everyone else has left? because that’s what they’re doing.

toni can’t stand it for another second. she’s taken enough risks tonight to not be scared anymore but she can still feel the butterflies in her stomach when she asks cheryl if maybe she wants to go get a milkshake or something; only so she doesn’t have to go home early.

(not because toni wants to drag tonight out as long as she can because maybe she's enjoying herself a little bit. not because she can’t stand the thought of cheryl sat awake in the dark all night. not because she _likes_ her or anything.)

so they go to pop’s like everyone else in the whole town by the look of things. they sit down and order milkshakes that toni pays for and they’re not leaving until cheryl feels even slightly better about herself or whatever it is that’s getting her down.

“i never cry at movies. real life’s tragic enough. but when simon’s mom said he used to be such a carefree kid growing up, and then, at a certain point, he stopped being that happy kid, because he was hiding a secret, it just—“

“cheryl.” it’s awful to watch her cry. toni wishes she could do something, anything, to stop it.

“everyone thinks i’m this loveless monster. but it isn’t true. i loved someone… who loved me. and my mother destroyed it.”

“you mean your brother jason? i heard how close you guys were.”

“no. not jay-jay. her… her name was heather. she was my best friend in junior high. she used to sleep over every weekend. until one night, my mother caught us in the same bed. she said i was deviant.”

it’s really not the time for toni to be thinking about herself or about how wrong she was before. but she was wrong because while cheryl is very attractive she isn’t a straight girl at all and that doesn’t do anything but spark toni’s interest even more. which it shouldn’t, not right now. right now is about cheryl trusting her.

“cheryl, i am so sorry. but you have to know your mother’s wrong. you’re not loveless. you’re not deviant, okay?” she takes cheryl’s hand and for the first time the other girl doesn’t pull away. she doesn’t even seem like she wants to. “you’re sensational.”

toni has her own life but maybe that could include cheryl blossom.

maybe she'd like that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and you might think, why basically transcribe the episode we all damn well saw?  
> and the answer is that i just thought it might be fun.


	6. cheryl

stupid gay rom-com.

the stupid gay rom-com that ruined cheryl's life. maybe if she was really petty she'd give it a scathing review online but she's not feeling vindictive, just sad. just really, very upset.

it's been a terrible few days.

veronica lodge flaunting her parents safe house as some kind of couples retreat had been humiliating to say the least but cheryl saw an opportunity and she took it. after all, she was nothing if not resourceful.

she’d cause a little chaos. and maybe it was just to stir things up for no reason or maybe it was because she’d been embarrassed earlier and she wanted to get her own back. although more likely it was because she was jealous, something that’d she’d never admit to anyone. not even herself, not really.

she’d love to have someone there for her in the way that her friends couldn't be because maybe then she wouldn’t feel so damn lonely all the time. but it would be a waste because she doesn’t know how to love. cheryl blossom doesn’t know how to love anyone but herself and she doesn’t know how to love them right.

of all the reactions she expected, she definitely didn’t think toni topaz bursting into the girls bathroom to question her would be one of them. but cheryl doesn't need to explain herself to anyone, never mind some serpent whose name she doesn't care to remember.

except she does because something about toni interests her. and she's not sure what it is. well, other than the fact that cheryl isn't blind and toni is gorgeous. they've had exactly one conversation but really neither of them would call it a conversation. squaring up to each other doesn't equal a conversation in any language except football player. but toni backed off and cheryl would have never expected her to do something like that; maybe she's just really bad at being a serpent.

she launches into her whole routine. she's the head bitch in charge, she has a reputation to uphold. (she's still scared of slipping up because without her image there's nothing to hide behind). but toni isn't buying it. any other student in the damn school wouldn't dare to cross her but here's some girl from the wrong side of the tracks with an attitude who wants to stand up to her.

and she isn't scared because toni's a serpent, that fact never actually crosses her mind. she's scared because of how sincere and how genuine she'd sounded when she'd asked cheryl what was wrong. no one spoke to her like that, like she was made of glass.

no one until now anyway.

it took her aback. it threw her for a second. so as toni's getting closer and reaching out she can feel her fists clenching and her head is spinning. her guard is down.

then toni's hand is on her arm and her heart feels like it's about to stop and her lungs feel like they're about to give out because this should not be happening. they're not having a moment and cheryl is not going to open up to someone she doesn't know, even if it feels like the right thing to do.

even if her brain is screaming at her to do something new, for once. to forget about being some stereotype and to just give up control. but it's never going to happen because toni is no one and cheryl can't trust her. no matter how comforting her touch is.

a girl who likes girls is a dead girl.

"get your sapphic serpent hands off my body!"

later, cheryl watches headlights appear at the bottom of her driveway and she's come to learn what that means. it's more than just driving in the dark. every car that pulls up outside her house is there for a reason and those headlights are like a warning.

she really hopes that one day they might just stop. because then she wouldn’t have to walk on egg shells all week and then go to bed with her fingers crossed. it’s the closest she’ll ever get to praying for something. and it's not going to happen because good things don't happen to her.

since everyone that she'd actually want to hang out with all abandoned her for a lakeside getaway there weren't many options open. the thing is, cheryl doesn't go out all that often. it's almost sad, actually, but there's a new movie playing tonight and if she's sat in the dark then it's not like anyone is going to notice that she's sat _alone_ in the dark.

or rather, that's what she'd like to be doing. (more like that's what she'd settle for doing). things are obviously not going to be that simple at all because toni is also seeing this stupid movie. a small town never felt smaller. cheryl sighs because she is hurt and she is upset and she can't deal with another invasive emotional attack because this time she probably won't be able to fight it off. if toni asks her what's wrong again then she might not be able to stop herself.

"oh my god. what do you want?" she makes a joke about toni being a stalker. it's supposed to be a joke but it probably doesn't sound like one. she can't make it funny. and toni can definitely tell that it was supposed to be a joke but she doesn't laugh because she looks a lot like she knows that cheryl is too upset for jokes.

"are you okay?"

for half a second cheryl runs an insult over her tongue but it doesn't sit right in her mouth. for half a second she's ready to destroy this girl but she doesn't because she's too tired. so she rolls her eyes and sighs and starts to talk. "i'm alone at the movies. and i'm trying to stay away from my mother who has turned our house into her sexual playpen. so, no. i am really not."

then she has to clench her jaw. she has to stop because she's not unloading all her baggage in the foyer of the damn theatre. she's not going to bring up the dead brother or the fact that she tried to drown herself or that her mother would rather have literally anyone else as a daughter or the fact that the very same mother took a hush money cheque after her daughter got attacked.

or that she hasn't been herself since she lost her best friend in junior high and that it's killing her.

that it is all killing her.

toni's looking at her and cheryl can't read her face. this is where she runs off and spills all of cheryl's secrets. where she lets the whole school know that everything is horrible and embarrassing and cheryl blossom is not all that she pretends to be.

but that's not what she does. "well, i was gonna go grab a seat alone, unless you want some company, but no pressure."

now things just got a whole lot more complicated. because now cheryl can trust toni and maybe it's because of her low expectations but anyone who can hear that and not walk away is trustworthy in her book.

and since trust is a foundation, more realisations are just being built on top. like how maybe cheryl has to reconsider everything she thinks she knows about the serpents. and how toni's asked how she's doing twice in one day and the last person who did that was jason. and how cheryl being a blossom doesn't seem to matter at all.

she holds her breath for most of the movie. not literally, of course. she holds her breath because as she feared, she's slipping. she should have kept her mouth shut. she also holds her breath literally because if she doesn't then toni'll hear her crying and she'll never give anyone that much power over her.

two and a half hours later they're stood on the sidewalk outside. at this point anything that is said is going to make it an awkward goodbye. toni keeps trying to look cheryl in the eye and cheryl is quickly trying to come up with something to say that can drag things out a little longer.

it's not because she cares she just doesn't want to go home yet. it's not because two hours in the dark gave her time to think about things. and it is absolutely, not at all because every time she looked across at toni during that stupid movie she wanted to take her hand and never let go.

a girl who likes girls is a dead girl.

except maybe that isn't the truth at all. either that, or the gay rom-com got into cheryl's head. but toni looks very much alive and cheryl hasn't felt that way in a while.

in that moment it all clicks because that's exactly what's been drawing cheryl in since they met. since that damn drag race. toni is so alive and happy and all things considered, actually one of the most normal people that cheryl's met lately. all things that she wants to feel for herself.

so maybe she just needs toni's help. maybe that's what she can finally admit to herself. that she's not okay and she needs some help and that's fine. that's _sensational_.

they drink milkshakes and toni smiles a lot but in a calm way, in a really subtle reassuring kind of way and then afterwards she takes cheryl home. cheryl who feels actually pretty good. and no, it doesn't fix everything, one 'not date' doesn't suddenly make everything better but it's step one.

step two is a rash decision to invite toni to her father's will reading because she's still mad at her mother for calling her an emotional anorexic. because no, she doesn't feel like that, or at least, she's on her way to not feeling like that.

things move very quickly and very quietly. and it's probably because ghosts from the past are a great catalyst for real, human connection, or something like that. toni has hold of cheryl's hand under the table for the entirety of dinner. thankfully her mother is too preoccupied with... literally everything else to say much about toni even being there at all.

when it comes time for her to leave and they have to say goodbye there's a lot of lingering looks and long silences. (and unbeknownst to cheryl her mother scowling from the next room as she looks round the doorway). cheryl thinks the whole thing is sort of desperate and ill-fated and not at all what she would usually even consider. but this feels different. this feels better.

toni trying out for the river vixens isn't something that cheryl ever expects. it doesn't feel like part of her world. she's not pom-poms and dancing and showing school spirit, not even close. for a second cheryl thinks that maybe she's doing it for her, that maybe that's why she shows up in the gym but that'd be ridiculous. that would be stupid and it would never happen but she'd like to think that it would and she'd like to think that toni would be the one to make it so.

the whole thing touches her in a way because it almost feels like some grand gesture, something that she definitely isn't used to. she could, though, she could get used to it.

and obviously toni is great. actually really great. like if maybe she wasn't part of a biker gang then she could be part of a dancer gang, or something. and obviously excellence should be celebrated and there's only one way to do that. a slumber party.

of course it'll help take her mind off whatever shady agreement her mother and uncle have going on. not that that isn't playing on her mind at all. it can't even be put down to unnecessary stress like her mother's decision to become a call girl because it just feels much worse. it was as if overnight they'd decided to form some kind of alliance and cheryl didn't know what had changed since the will reading to prompt it. and she's terrified.

having all the girls over is nice. it feels like how high school is supposed to feel. they do all the things that girls do at sleepovers. until it's time to turn the lights out at least because that's when toni climbs into bed with cheryl. because that isn't something that girls do at sleepovers, that's something else.

it's what makes everything a little bit real for cheryl because this is one step more than compliments and handholding. it's still very innocent but that doesn't change how hard cheryl's heart is pounding in her chest. she wants to just stay there, laid back, staring at the ceiling and pretending that she still doesn't care about toni. even for an expert, she's not that good at lying to herself.

but toni isn't going to move any time soon and cheryl doesn't want her to, not really because even though this is so similar to before it's also so different. she's not a schoolgirl anymore and she's not confused and she's starting to think that maybe her mother really is wrong. so it's time to take a leap of faith.

"full disclosure i didn't want to invite all the girls tonight. but i knew my hideous mother would never allow me to invite just you. which is... what i craved."

there's only a second where she thinks that maybe she should have kept her mouth shut. only for a tiny, little second because then she sees toni turning over and moving just ever so slightly closer (and if she's not mistaken, glancing at her lips) and she doesn't need to worry anymore. after that it becomes the easiest thing that she's ever said.

after that everything happens really quickly in a bit of a blur and cheryl can't really distinguish one thing from the next. because she's in bed with toni and they're both leaning in and she thinks that this could really be something and then there's crashing and screaming and her grandmother is sprawled out across the floor.

even through her state of shock she knows that wasn't an accident, there was no way. they take her nana away in an ambulance and cheryl can't decide if the fall was supposed to kill her or not but if it was then she's definitely not safe here anymore.

the girls seem to pick up on this too and although she doesn't want them to leave, she doesn't want to be alone in this house, she has to let them. penelope blossom is a very clever woman and taking out her daughter on the same night would be too suspicious but for some reason, that thought doesn't really calm cheryl's nerves.

what would calm her nerves is to be back in bed, to go back in time before any of this happened. to have her kiss, to have her moment and to act like she wasn't part of some insane, entitled family. but of course that can never happen.

toni stays. well, she leaves with the rest of the girls and sneaks back in through an open window about ten minutes later. cheryl's grateful for it, there's enough adrenaline pumping through her body to keep her awake for the next week. when she comes back there's no picking up where they left off. there's barely even any conversation. toni asks if she's okay and cheryl says that she isn't.

she'd been first in line to stay with nana rose at the hospital the next day. toni had left before cheryl had woken up and she'd be inclined to feel weird about that if it wasn't the nicest thing that anyone could have done. but she was too busy being paranoid to feel cheap. in fact, she was too busy being paranoid to do anything.

which is probably why she can't tell someone what's going on sooner. she can't warn anyone about her mother until it's too late and by the time she even gets the chance to, it doesn't matter because penelope is already smooth-talking all of those problems away. she should have said something and now she can't because she's driving out of riverdale at a speed that is barely within the limit.

the silence is thick and uncomfortable and it gets in cheryl's throat and suffocates her. she's not going to ask where she's going because she knows that it can't be anywhere good. it'd probably be ridiculous to think that her own mother was going to kill her but that would be very on trend for her family.

but no, that doesn't seem to be what's going on because the car is pulling to a stop and cheryl knows where she is and she knows no one is going to kill her but she has no idea why she's here. after everything, is her mother's plan just to dump her with the sisters of quiet mercy? polly cooper escaped and cheryl is much smarter than her cousin so this whole plan seems kind of redundant.

she could fight back or kick and scream but that wouldn't get her anywhere and she is just a little curious. although she doesn't find anything out and it's not for a lack of trying. cheryl asks every question that comes into her head and tries to be as observant as she can but she never did care for solving mysteries.

"oh you poor child. there's nothing to be afraid of. sister woodhouse is going to help you."

"thank you, sister woodhouse."

"yes, she's going to rid you of all those naughty demons. the ones making you think such awful, unnatural thoughts. today, you must rest. tomorrow the real work... the conversion begin."

it makes cheryl feel sick. it's not just that she's been abandoned by her family and the town she lives in is a mess.

it's because she thought that things would be okay.

she actually thought that her mother was wrong and she was right and that for once she could just _live_. live the way that she was supposed to and live in a way that didn't feel wrong. but she was wrong and toni was wrong and that stupid gay rom com was wrong because here she is.

the next few days are the worst few days of her life. it's like a permanent dark cloud is hanging over her. it's during a particularly low moment that she realises nothing has ever really changed for her, she's not the head bitch in charge and she never was.

this cheryl blossom stays awake for hours after it gets dark and stares out the window because maybe if she can just get to that other side then things will be better. the one who does what she's told and doesn't put up a fight and only cries when she knows that no one will see. this is the cheryl blossom she was when she was fourteen and she _fucking_ hates it.

the next few days feel like months and those months feel like years. she watches their films and she does their work and for the first time she understands what her mother always meant.

a girl who likes girls is a dead girl.

it was never literal, she didn't mean actually, physically dead. she'd always meant that cheryl would end up here, feeling like she was dying, feeling like she wanted to die. feeling like any kind of end is better than this because she is so sick and she is so tired that there is no point in living.

sometimes, late at night she likes to pretend that archie andrews and his scooby gang are going to kick her door down and take her somewhere else. anywhere else. but those are just dreams.

those are just dreams and that's why she's having a hard time believing someone is calling her name. it's movie night, there's no one wandering the halls and definitely no one who kind of sounds like toni.

"cheryl, are you in here?"

"toni?" this has got to be some kind of cruel hallucination because no one knows that cheryl is even here and if they did then what are the chances any of them would care enough to even try and find her.

"we came to rescue you."

"you did?" if this is a dream then cheryl never wants to wake up and if she's awake then she never wants to sleep again.

it doesn't quite feel real and she questions everything that she thinks she knows. she cares about toni and honestly, there's no one else she'd rather have come for her but she didn't know toni cared about her too. or rather, she didn't know that she cared about her this much.

she's never felt this relieved before but she's never felt this loved before either, and that is scary as hell. but all of those feelings can hold on for a second because right now there is only one thing that feels right, only one thing cheryl needs and that thing is toni and she's stood right there.

never in her life has she been held so close and felt so safe and if this wasn't a rescue mission then she'd never let that moment end. she'd happily stay there forever with toni's hand in her hair and her arms around her shoulders. it feels right.

and they should start running, they should really, really start running but something else feels much more important. cheryl's never been kissed quite like that before. in a way that is so urgent and desperate but also so calm and collected.

(she thinks that she could die on the spot).

any other day she'd be mad at veronica for interrupting something like this but they've been held up for too long already and cheryl can only imagine the backlash if they're caught.

maybe running won't be so bad if she's got toni's hand to hold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> there's a karate kid 2 quote in here because i watched all five karate kid films the weekend before i wrote this part and now i hate karate kid which kind of sucks because i used to really like karate kid.  
> but the quote's nice.


	7. cheryl

cheryl's staying with toni now, she has been for the past few days. it's not exactly like she can go home and no one else particularly wants to step up and help her out, which is honestly very telling. but right now that's not what's on cheryl's mind.

right now she's trying to figure out the mess that she's fallen into, this completely avoidable mess, might she add. riverdale is a small town but not small enough that she can hide from her mother forever, as much as she would like to. and she would _really_ like to. not small enough that her secrets are going to stay secret for very long either.

she'd rather spend the rest of her time in this town in the same way the past few days have gone. eating takeout from pop's and pretending like nothing would ever catch up with her. which was a nice fantasy with a harsh reality. she was going back to school at the end of the week partly because she had to, partly because she wanted to.

feeling sorry for herself was only going to get her so far and riverdale high needed someone to come and shake things up. maybe she could still be the person to do that. that's how toni's been making her feel lately, like she did before, like she did when things were better. (she'd say when things were normal but she doesn't think things have ever been normal).

when she first got back, she'd slept for almost a whole day. any adrenaline was quickly replaced with unparalleled exhaustion and she'd had a hard time standing up on her own. it hadn't been until she'd woken up to the sun going down did she realise she'd been practically comatose. toni had said that she'd slept on the couch because she wanted to be respectful or something and cheryl had told her that she absolutely did not need to do that. it made her feel kind of guilty at first but when she got over that it was sweet.

toni's uncle doesn't ask a lot of questions and he doesn't act like he want to know her business but at some point she's going to have to talk to him. after all, she is basically a stranger staying in his house. she hasn't really put a lot of thought into talking about things, mostly because that was such an alien concept to the blossoms.

she's going to have to talk to toni, too. and she most definitely does not ever want to but she owes her that much. she needs to explain herself and the only way she can do that is if she finally lets herself feel everything from before. really feel it. really feel her family and nick st. clair and everything that is horrible and wrong.

but for now at least things feel okay and it might be the state of shock or maybe she really is numb to it. this is just another bad thing on the list of bad things. it's like she's just hearing about this tragic thing that happened to some poor girl and it makes her heart hurt to hear about it but it doesn't affect her so she doesn't dwell on it.

when that feeling passes she's going to ache. and she knows this and she's ready for it, but not yet.

she's actually far too busy at the minute. with planning her grand return to school and trying to put off retrieving her own wardrobe so she can keep wearing toni's clothes (she's determined to test out her serpent jacket), there's no time to dwell on the past. even if that past was only a few days ago.

it's a pretty shallow coping mechanism and during times when she's left to her own devices for a little too long, cheryl becomes very aware of it. it's a damaging thought and it's very easy to think of herself as less than she's worth because of it. but it's toni that she's worried about because she knows that she could ruin toni. so easily and probably without thinking because cheryl blossom rips love apart and she always has done. and she always will.

love is a cruel amount of power to give someone.

but when her eyes glaze over and when she seems to leave her body toni's right there beside her. to comfort her. to distract her. to be everything that she has ever needed anyone to be.

getting caught up in things is exciting, cheryl will admit that much to herself. it is kind of embarrassing, but she's never really done this before. sure, she's gone through the dating process but it never felt real, it never felt like this.

watching a movie or sharing a milkshake always felt like just that. like watching a movie or sharing a milkshake. never before did those things come with all this subtle touching or these stolen glances or the pit in cheryl's stomach that makes her want to smile all the time.

there's all kinds of magic in the little things.

sometimes those things aren't so little. like how when cheryl first goes back to school, toni is stood by her side all day. or how when she finally makes it through a full day without having some kind of breakdown they leave town and go to the fanciest restaurant that either of them can afford.

(cheryl is still terrified of riding around on that death trap that toni calls a motorcycle but she'll deal with it. any excuse to get to hold her close.)

and everything is sweet and nice and good in a way that doesn't feel real but is still far too real to be fake. but if there is one thing that cheryl blossom is acutely aware of and has been her entire life, it's that things can only be sweet and nice and good for so long. everything ends and everything breaks and it all happens eventually. it's not a matter of 'if', it's a matter of 'when'.

'when' happens over the space of two weeks. 'when' is everything falling apart as quickly as it all came together in the first place. and it's the last thing she'd ever want to happen. but she knows that it's for the best.

toni has to work. a few weeks ago, cheryl would have sat on the edge of the bar all night not making eye contact with anyone else. she clung to toni like a child with a blanket. she just didn't want to be on her own. now she only swings by at the end of the night to walk her back home; she still doesn't make eye contact with anyone else, though.

she sits at the end of the bar while toni wipes down tables and if she feels like helping then maybe she'll rinse the rag out but usually she just takes control of the jukebox. and that night was no different, well, almost no different.

toni still grins when she sees cheryl walk through the door. she still leaves a cherry cola on the edge of the bar for her girlfriend; a drink they only started selling per toni's special request. and she still gives her the kiss on the forehead that has become their standard greeting.

only, at the end of the night when it's time to leave, toni's joking and smiling with some bartender that cheryl's never seen before. it feels off. she's not an idiot, she's not going to jump to any conclusions and she definitely doesn't fear the worst. it's something else that makes her take a second.

it's the fact that toni looks so happy.

this girl is talking to her and sure, she isn't grinning from ear to ear or anything but it makes cheryl think. it makes her wonder if maybe this girl could make toni happier than she ever could. after all, this girl probably isn't dealing with seventeen years of mommy issues for a start.

they sit alone in pop's and cheryl picks at a plate of fries for fifteen minutes before making up some excuse about feeling sick and excusing herself to the bathroom. she doesn't cry and she doesn't breakdown. she stares at herself in the mirror until she doesn't recognise who she is anymore.

for a few days things are rocky again.

cheryl watches the sunrise through toni's bedroom window most nights that week and then pretends like she wasn't up all night the next morning. she can't shake the thought that maybe this is something that isn't any good for either of them. maybe toni needs someone else, someone who isn't her.

she thinks on that for a long time, for days. until one night, they're in bed, it's late and for the first time in a while cheryl feels like she might fall asleep before two a.m.. the tv's quietly playing some music channel in the background and casting the whole room in a dim, pastel light. it feels like a scene from a movie. cheryl's laid on her side with her eyes closed, she's too drained to keep them open.

the room goes quiet and she feels a shift as toni rolls over. she presses a kiss to cheryl's lips that's so delicate she could have imagined it and whispers a gentle "i love you".

there's alarm bells and sirens in her head and she's panicking because if she wasn't in too deep before then this is an all new kind of disaster. and it's not that cheryl doesn't feel the same way, in fact, it's the opposite. cheryl wants to tell everyone just how much she loves toni topaz but now they both feel that way it's real. it's actually happening.

she probably wasn't supposed to hear that confession but that doesn't mean that she didn't. doesn't mean that she can't hearing it echoing around her mind. she kind of wishes that toni had left the tv on because then everything wouldn't feel so silent.

for five seconds she thought that maybe she'd found a way to deal with everything but all she'd done was forget. her mother was never going to go away, was never truly going to leave her alone until she could get those damn words out of her head.

a girl who likes girls is a dead girl. and when she thinks like that she wants to scream and tear her hair out. she's been programmed to self-destruct from the beginning.

as ever, toni is right there by her side to pick her up when she needs it. but after a week of pulling herself apart inside, she starts to crack outside too. it isn't subtle, there's no great build up. the river vixens are working on a new routine and all it takes is one little glance at toni, on the side lines. she's watching cheryl dance and the look on her face is so soft and so full of adoration. no one has ever looked at her like that.

and no one ever should.

she's dropping her pom-poms and running out of the gym and hiding in the locker room without any kind of second thought. it's all just so heavy. and she knows that she can't cry because any second now someone is going to follow her in and knowing her luck it'll be betty cooper, come to pry into her business. so she can't cry, she can't cry, she can't cry.

and she can't take her own advice either because her lip is quivering and her throat feels so tight she can barely breathe. it's embarrassing. then there's a hand on her shoulder and another running through her hair and there's only person who knows how to calm her down like that. and she does not want to speak to toni right now.

"hey."

"hey."

"you going to tell me what's wrong?"

"this. everything."

"cheryl--"

"this is wrong."

what follows is one of the messiest conversations that cheryl never wanted to have. she never wanted to have to break toni's heart but she was always going to. in any version of this reality cheryl was always going to break toni's heart because that's all she knows how to do. how to hurt and how to tear people down. she's nothing without that.

it's a sad, walk of shame to betty's house. she can't stay with toni and she can't go back to thistlehouse. betty cooper is the only family that she has left and she would be mortified about that if she wasn't so heart broken.

surprisingly, betty doesn't actually ask of a lot of questions. although she is still a journalist at heart so cheryl does have to explain a brief version of events. there's no good response so betty just sort of pulls her into a half hug and lets her sleep in her bed.

she takes some time off school and even when she goes back she's not really there. toni keeps on calling her but she never got past voicemail so she tried texting instead. cheryl wants to block her number but she can't quite bring herself to do that. instead she just ignores the messages as she gets them.

toni's been lost weekend-ing. cheryl's been up all night staring at the ceiling in her cousin's childhood bedroom. everything hurts. in a particularly low moment she listens to some of toni's voicemails.

she's drunk, god she's wasted. and she sounds like she's crying. and one minute she's telling cheryl that she loves her and then she's telling cheryl that she hates her. that she's just like all the others. that she's nothing like anyone toni's ever met. that she thought cheryl would be the one to stick around.

the next day she gets a call from a very sober, very hungover toni, asking to meet her at pop's so they can talk. cheryl doesn't think that she has anything else to say. she thinks that she made everything very clear. but she owes at least some kind of apology.

and that's how she ends up sat in a booth, pretending to drink a milkshake that she didn't even want to order. she thought about ordering for toni too but it was probably best to cut all of those ties and stick to her decision.

they talk. about everything. cheryl tells toni more than she's ever told anyone before and toni apologises for telling cheryl that she hated her because that could never be true. they both cry (even though toni pretends like she doesn't) and they both walk away feeling _awful_.

it's a week later and there's a party and it's probably for something really important like a sports victory but that doesn’t matter. betty's going and cheryl doesn't particularly want to spend the night playing board games with alice cooper so she agrees to come along.

it might make her feel better.

it probably won't.

she's at some football players house. or maybe he plays basketball. that doesn't really matter either, though. and she's sat on the sofa trying to force herself to drink a disgusting, room temperature beer that archie andrews had given her when she walked in with betty. the music is loud and obnoxious and it leads cheryl to wonder how anyone can enjoy house music with no lyrics.

betty looks just as bored as she is and she hopes that maybe that means that they can leave soon but they stay sat there for another three or four songs. in the end cheryl gives up and goes to find herself another drink. when she sits back down betty is gone and she doesn't actually care where she went but she's at least a little confused.

eventually, she finds her. sat across the room talking to veronica. sat by jughead. and now it makes sense to cheryl why she looked so bored earlier. she sighs because now she's just going have to wait out the rest of the night alone.

the realisation hits her out of nowhere.

jughead is a serpent. jughead is friends with the serpents. they tend to follow each other around. toni is a serpent. toni has been partying lately. cheryl is at a party. with jughead.

fuck.

all of those thoughts keep circling in her head and she feels the room around her spinning. karma is an awful, horrible, terrible thing. karma always finds a way to catch up with the blossoms, like right now. like when the door opens and a gang of leather jackets walk in.

cheryl has never felt smaller. sat there, still dressed in toni's clothes, with a look of sheer dread on her face. they see each other at the exact same time and she feels like everything in the room slows down around them. she tries to look sorry, she tries to show some kind of remorse but toni just stares right through her and walks away.

then time speeds up again when she catches sight of her ex laughing with some guy from whatever stupid sports team is throwing the damn party. it starts moving double time when she pushes through the crowd of people stood in the hallway, blocking the bathroom.

cheryl vomits until her throat burns and her eyes water and she really wishes that she had something to drink other than cheap beer. she wishes that she could be back at home. her real home. the one that she burned down.

that she could be back at home and that her brother was still alive and that she was eleven years old again getting ready to start junior high. she'd never have told heather anything and she'd never date that stupid high school boyfriend. she'd do it all again from the beginning. a fresh start.

yeah, cheryl definitely isn't in the party mood. so she gets herself a glass of water and takes herself outside where she'll happily wait for betty until the party dies down.

she must have sat out there for hours. every so often someone comes out for a smoke and sometimes they'll ask her if she's okay. sometimes they'll ask her if she wants one. and sometimes they'll act like she isn't there and whisper to each other about the crazy girl who broke out of gay camp.

toni comes outside eventually. they make painfully long eye contact before she turns around and goes straight back inside. cheryl is just so sick of hurting, she's so sick of feeling so useless so she follows her inside and upstairs. she knows that she's probably the last person that toni wants to see right now but she has to try and do something. for her own peace of mind.

cheryl follows her into the dumb jock's bedroom and the second the door closes she presses herself against it because she is not going to let herself back out now.

"what do you want from me, cheryl?"

"i--" cheryl's words catch and she can't seem to form a sentence anymore.

"seriously, what do you want from me." toni is getting closer and closer. "i get that things are screwed up for you but guess what? they're screwed up for me too and if you're not here to apologise then i really, really don't want to speak to you."

cheryl isn't drunk, she isn't even tipsy but she feels it right now. right now, she feels like she drained the whole damn liqour cabinet. she feels paralyzed in that doorway and she can't think of anything. she can't even make herself say 'sorry'. whatever she does is never going to be enough.

so she's got nothing to lose.

so in a split second she decides her next move. she doesn't even think. she takes toni's face in her hands and she kisses her like it's the first damn time. like she never broke both of their hearts. cheryl kisses toni like it's the last thing she's ever going to do.

and she thinks t just might be because when she pulls back she expects toni to slap her or to start shouting or to do something. but she's just stood there with her eyes still closed, her mouth still slightly open. she almost looks like she's going to faint."why'd you stop?"

cheryl realises that she never even thought to consider if this was something that toni wanted. she's been sat outside all night, for all she knows, toni's wrecked. and that is not okay. "are you... drunk?"

"no. not even slightly."

"oh. okay. just because--"

toni smirks. "shut up."

and this time toni is backing cheryl into the door, pressing into her body with a drive that she'd never seen before. it takes her breath away and lights her body on fire and all she can think about is toni.

the way that her hands are caught up in cheryl's hair, tugging at it in a way that would be almost painful if toni wasn't kissing her so sweet. then her lips are moving down cheryl's neck and nipping at the skin there.

cheryl has always been in control. it's almost part of her dna. she's a blossom and blossoms always have a plan and they're always in control. except for right now. because with toni tearing her shirt open, the last thing on her mind is control.

and then toni's hands are on her thighs and something just snaps. she didn't even notice that they'd moved from the doorway to the bed. she didn't notice that she was crying either. not until she feels toni wiping her tears and pulling her close and telling her that everything is okay. that she's safe. that toni is not _him_. she's not nick and she's not going to hurt cheryl.

cheryl's apologising and toni is smiling and telling her that everything is okay and it feels right again. it's their routine. it's what they do. and they fall back into it so easily.

when she finally stops crying, cheryl needs some air and toni takes her hand and leads her downstairs and out into the garden. they sit on the porch and toni puts her jacket around cheryl's shoulders.

"i'm sorry."

"for what?"

"for that. for everything." cheryl takes a deep breath. "for getting rid of you."

"yeah well, you know me." toni smiles a little and shrugs her shoulders ever so slightly. she says to herself, more than cheryl. “i can’t stand to see you cry.”

"you hate me until i make you feel bad for me."

"it's not that. i don't hate you. i couldn't."

"i gave you up."

"because you think you don't deserve me?"

"how do you--"

"i know you, cheryl. you deserve something good."

cheryl stops for a second. she’s still a blossom, she’s still everything her mother said that she was. an emotional anorexic. loveless. “i could ruin you.”

“you might not.”

"you really think it could work?"

"yeah. i do. i _know_ it could and i think you know that it could too." and suddenly toni looks nervous in a way that cheryl never thought that she could. "if you let yourself try."

there's an excruciatingly long silence before cheryl says anything. "i want to."

"yeah?” toni looks up, she properly looks at cheryl for the first time in a long time.

"yeah."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> finally some original fucking content; in the tone of gordon ramsey's "finally some good fucking food".  
> i guess this is the end and i hope you liked it. 
> 
>  
> 
> (and i might be writing something else but there's 0 guarantee that i'll ever finish that or even like it enough to post it.)

**Author's Note:**

> the poem definitely got away from me at the end.


End file.
